Do you feel emotionally drained in your relationship because you give so much but get so little in return? Do you feel alone, even when they're lying right next to you? Do you find yourself wondering whether they truly love you or simply need someone to constantly reassure them? One client's story begins with these questions and ends with an unexpected realisation: her partner displays narcissistic traits. This blog explores what that means and how you can reclaim your autonomy if you're also in an unhealthy relationship.
One of my most self-confident clients, a successful professional, has been struggling with her relationship for years. She and her partner describe themselves as soulmates. To those around them, they seem to share a magical connection, and they experience moments of pure happiness together. Yet these are repeatedly followed by periods of distance and confusion.
She finds herself wondering: «If I spend more time with him, will he be happier? What can I do to make him happy?» But no matter how hard she tries over the years, the ups and downs continue. After each period of distance, their relationship seems to deepen again. They reconnect, only to lose each other once more a few weeks later. She and her friends are at a loss. Attempts to resolve things come to nothing, while her partner seems caught in an endless process of self-discovery, continually finding new and old issues that don't feel right to him.
Then, suddenly, everything falls into place: her partner displays narcissistic traits.
With this as our working hypothesis, we set out to learn more about narcissism, a topic that has become something of a catch-all in popular psychology. We discover some fascinating, well-founded information and begin to understand his behaviour and her emotional responses to it more clearly. Most importantly, we start exploring how she can free herself from this unhealthy relationship. Here's my attempt to explain what we discovered. With a happy ending.
What is narcissism?
The MSD Manual describes narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as follows: «People with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty regulating their self-esteem and therefore need praise and association with special people or institutions; they also tend to devalue others to maintain a sense of superiority.»
The diagnosis is more common in men than in women. Comorbidities, meaning the presence of additional diagnoses, are also common. People with NPD may also experience depression or other personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder.
Because people with narcissistic personality disorder need admiration, their self-esteem depends on positive recognition from others and is therefore generally very unstable. They are highly concerned with what others think of them. They are sensitive to failure and criticism, which can leave them feeling humiliated and defeated. They may respond with anger or contempt, or lash out in a hurtful way.
Symptoms can include a strong need for unconditional admiration, an exaggerated sense of entitlement, exploiting others to achieve personal goals and a lack of empathy.
How to recognise narcissistic traits
Narcissistic behaviour can manifest itself in a number of ways, including:
Everything revolves around them: You talk about yourself, and they respond by bringing the conversation back to themselves.
A need for validation: The people around them are often treated as a means to an end, whether to boost their self-esteem or fulfil their needs.
Unable to take criticism: They have little or no tolerance for criticism and may react with intense anger or put others down when they feel attacked.
Grandiose fantasies: Behind a seemingly modest exterior, they often harbour exaggerated ideas about themselves.
Fixation on the past: They struggle to let go of old wounds, hold on to negative experiences and repeatedly revisit them, both in their thoughts and in conversations.
Little appreciation: Compliments are few and far between. They often take others for granted and focus primarily on what goes wrong.
Lack of empathy: They struggle to put themselves in other people's shoes and show little compassion.
The subtle, hidden faces of narcissism
Not all people with narcissistic traits are loud or attention-seeking. There are also more subtle, less obvious forms:
Self-centredness behind a shy exterior: These individuals often appear insecure or shy, and may even be highly sensitive. Yet behind this façade lie grandiose fantasies and a sense of entitlement that places their own needs above those of others.
Manipulation through communication: They deliberately withhold information or create ambiguity to confuse others. For example, something may be presented as a problem one day and no longer considered a problem the next. Yet they may later claim not to remember the earlier conversation, or blame the other person for remembering it incorrectly. They may also write lengthy, confusing messages that create further ambiguity and uncertainty.
Creating emotional dependency: They give others just enough affection to make them emotionally dependent, only to suddenly withdraw again. They tell you they love you, but later express uncertainty, perhaps claiming that they once had stronger feelings for someone else many years ago. They may withdraw at particularly meaningful times, such as just before Christmas, leaving the other person feeling confused, humiliated or deeply hurt.
Covert narcissism is therefore characterised by the same underlying behaviours as overt narcissism, but expressed in less obvious and more subtle ways.
The exact causes of narcissistic personality disorder are not fully understood. However, genetic factors and early relationships may play a role in its development.
The double standards of narcissistic people: a confusing game
Another common pattern is that people with narcissistic traits ignore you while being considerate, charming and helpful towards others. This double standard serves a purpose: protecting their fragile ego by securing the admiration of others while maintaining emotional control over you. You often end up feeling that you're not good enough and constantly trying to earn their approval. It's a game you can never win.
Why you won't get clarity from someone with narcissistic traits
Being in a relationship with someone who displays narcissistic traits can feel like a nightmare you can't wake up from. They create confusion by constantly changing their expectations: something is a problem today, isn't one tomorrow, and suddenly becomes an issue again the day after. (For example, the fact that my client had been married before.) These ever-shifting «goalposts» keep you mentally preoccupied and leave you feeling that you're never good enough. Their inability to take responsibility for their actions protects their fragile ego, at your expense.
People with narcissistic traits rarely take responsibility for their actions. Admitting their own mistakes would threaten the fragile ego they go to great lengths to protect.
Gaining clarity about their feelings or reaching a clean break in the relationship would allow you to move on emotionally. Instead, they tend to create uncertainty, keeping you emotionally entangled and easier to manipulate.
They use the people around them as sources of validation to nourish their fragile egos. Once you've moved on and are doing well without them, they may try to win you back, seeking to regain the control they find so important.
People with narcissistic traits use others as a source of validation.
Can people with narcissistic traits truly love?
The sad truth, according to some research, is that people with narcissistic traits may struggle to form deeper emotional bonds. Their relationships are often superficial and characterised by a significant imbalance. Genuine love, grounded in empathy and understanding, can be extremely difficult for them. But why is that?
There is growing evidence from neuroscience that people with narcissistic traits may show structural and functional differences in brain regions involved in experiencing and processing empathy and compassion.
Research suggests that people with narcissistic traits can demonstrate cognitive empathy. In other words, they may intellectually understand what other people are feeling or thinking. But when it comes to experiencing those feelings themselves or forming a deep emotional connection, they may struggle.
Studies using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) have found differences in brain structures associated with emotional empathy and compassion. These include:
The prefrontal cortex: This region plays a key role in moral judgement, emotional regulation and understanding social norms. Reduced activity or structural differences in this area may help explain why some people with narcissistic traits struggle to take emotional responsibility.
The anterior cingulate cortex: This region is heavily involved in emotional processing and empathy. Structural differences in the anterior cingulate cortex may contribute to difficulties with emotional empathy.
The amygdala: This small, almond-shaped brain structure is involved in processing emotions such as fear and anger. Differences in amygdala responses to emotional stimuli may contribute to emotional detachment or reduced emotional responsiveness.
A significant study by Schulze et al. (2013) found reduced grey matter volume in the left anterior insular cortex in people with narcissistic personality disorder. This region is strongly associated with emotional empathy. These structural differences may help explain why some people with narcissistic traits can recognise other people's emotional responses without necessarily experiencing the same emotional resonance themselves.
Another study by Fan et al. (2011) investigated the neural mechanisms of empathy and found that people with high levels of narcissistic traits showed reduced activation in brain regions associated with empathic emotional responses. These findings support the idea that cognitive empathy may remain relatively intact, while emotional empathy can be significantly impaired.
So, can people with narcissistic traits truly love? They may struggle to experience love based on empathy and a deep emotional connection with another person. Their own needs often take priority, and forming emotional bonds can be difficult. The result can be relationships that are deeply unhappy, leaving partners feeling emotionally neglected and used.
Perhaps this also helps explain my client's situation. She can experience wonderful moments of closeness and intimacy with her partner, moments in which they seem to grow together as a couple and in which it feels impossible that anything could ever come between them. Yet just a few days later, he meets up with another woman who has been present in his life for some time, takes a trip with her, avoids her questions and lies to her, despite the apparent connection they shared only days earlier.
Her attempts to get clarity lead nowhere. Is there something going on between him and this other woman? He remains vague and seems to reserve the right to do whatever suits him.
What do people with narcissistic traits look for in a relationship?
At the same time, relationships involve a dynamic between two people. It seems that people with narcissistic traits may be drawn to partners who:
Take responsibility for their wellbeing.
Struggle to set boundaries.
Put their own needs second.
Are highly empathetic.
See the good in them and reinforce the image they want to have of themselves.
How to free yourself from a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits
Recognising these dynamics and attempts at manipulation may sound straightforward. In my client's case, however, the relationship was complex and confusing. I'm not sure whether her partner, who appeared to display narcissistic traits, was consciously and deliberately engaging in these behaviours. Nevertheless, leaving such an unhealthy relationship is essential. The following steps can help:
Recognise attempts to manipulate you: These may take the form of withholding affection, inconsistency, attempts to undermine you or deliberately keeping information from you. When you recognise these patterns, remove yourself from the situation and create distance. This sends a clear message that you won't tolerate being treated this way.
Stop justifying yourself: Don't get drawn into endless, confusing discussions. A simple «Thank you for sharing your perspective. I don't have anything to add right now. Take care.» is enough to take the wind out of their sails and allow you to focus on something else.
Focus on yourself: Looking after yourself is even more important in these situations than usual. Do things that give you energy and surround yourself with people who support you. When you stay true to yourself and your values, the other person's hold over you begins to weaken.
Let go of your idealised image of them: Accept the reality that a relationship with this person may not be healthy for you. People with pronounced narcissistic traits may struggle to find lasting contentment, and that has nothing to do with you. Accusations directed at you may simply reflect their own insecurities.
What if you've been replaced by someone else?
Remember that the person who once served as a source of validation may simply have been replaced. That doesn't mean the new person is loved more than you were. For my client, understanding that a genuine, reciprocal connection with her former partner may never have been possible proved very helpful in letting go.
Can narcissism be treated?
Unfortunately, narcissistic personality disorder can be difficult to treat, partly because many people affected by it don't recognise that they have a problem in the first place. However, when someone is willing to engage in therapy, there are therapeutic approaches that may help.
Is narcissism becoming more common in our society?
There are indications that certain societal developments may reinforce narcissistic behaviours, although the interpretation of this evidence remains contested. The possible increase in narcissism, particularly in individualistic cultures and under the influence of social media, continues to be the subject of extensive research and debate.
Conclusion: your power lies in understanding
«What we have learned to understand, we no longer fear.» These words are attributed to Marie Curie. That's why it's important to understand relationship dynamics, and above all, to recognise our own role within them.
I believe narcissism is far more complex and can manifest itself in subtler ways than we might think. I would caution against making amateur psychological diagnoses before someone has been professionally assessed. We tend to put people into boxes and devalue them, particularly when we've been hurt.
But there is one thing I want to emphasise above all else: no relationship in which you don't feel seen, appreciated and loved can be a healthy one. You need to leave relationships in which you're manipulated and gradually give up control over your own life.
All of this may sound obvious. But if you've spent years in such a relationship and been exposed to subtle forms of narcissistic behaviour, this knowledge can help you reconnect with your integrity and reclaim your autonomy.
«You are powerful beyond measure» is one of the most meaningful pieces of feedback I've ever received during a training course. And that's exactly how I see every person. It's time to start living your best life, too!
And if you need support, Upskilled Life Coaching in Zurich can help you reclaim your autonomy. Explore our resources on mental strength and self-confidence: the four-week training programme, the workbook and the video. Or discover Focus Forward, our 12-week programme designed to help you turn your vision and goals into focused action.
Today, my client has reclaimed her autonomy and feels clear about doing what is right for her. Although she still thinks about her former partner from time to time, she knows what she wants and that she will never allow herself to be diminished again!
