To me, he is someone who is particularly intelligent and a little condescending. The woman who is exceptionally beautiful. Or the upcoming workshop I don't feel sufficiently prepared for. What do the condescending guy, the beautiful woman and the upcoming workshop have in common? They make me feel insecure. And they provide the perfect opportunity to project my insecurities onto something outside myself, rather than confront them.
Take the condescending guy. I go home, talk about him, get annoyed and throw myself into more work. I do the same with the upcoming workshop. When I finally collapse into bed after a long day, I feel I've earned a little distraction. So I scroll through the beautiful woman's Instagram photos and reels, deciding that she actually seems rather insecure herself and does a good job of hiding her curves.
Compensation masks insecurity
What do these coping mechanisms have in common? They distract me from the real issue, which, of course, lies within me: my own insecurity. I avoid addressing it because it's easier to project it onto other people.
What's interesting is that these insecurities seem to affect just about everyone. People who are good-looking, professionally successful, financially secure and socially well-connected, people who tick every box on society's list of success, still feel insecure from time to time, or far too often. They struggle, doubt themselves and sometimes don't know which way to turn.
Is true success about having our insecurities under control? Does understanding them and turning insecurity into inner confidence lead to greater contentment and fulfilment? And if so, what's the secret? There are many answers to these questions, and even more proposed solutions.
I'm not good enough
One approach that has transformed my life and the lives of many of my coaching clients is learning to work with my saboteur. My saboteur is my inner critic, the voice of doubt. It is insecurity personified.
To be more precise from a psychological perspective, it is a personality trait associated with a dominant pattern of thoughts, corresponding emotions and behaviours. In the case of the condescending guy, the thought might be: «I'm not good enough.» The beautiful woman triggers thoughts such as: «I'm not beautiful enough.» Both thoughts create insecurity, perhaps even a sense of inner humiliation and inadequacy, despite the fact that neither the guy nor the woman has actually done anything.
A better life through mastering your thoughts
If I can shift my focus away from the guy and the woman and towards myself, I can begin to recognise my saboteur through its characteristic thoughts, or identify the situations in which it tends to show up. This allows me to limit its influence.
The next step is to replace it with a positive inner player, whether that's my goddess, my warrior or any other figure that resonates with me. Doing so not only increases my sense of well-being, but also expands my ability to choose how I respond and create a better life.
This is about learning to guide our thoughts. Getting to know my inner players and consciously calling on them in important situations has changed my life. It has taken many years of practice, and even today, sometimes I find it easy and sometimes difficult to steer my thoughts. But I know that everything that happens is, in some way, a reflection of myself.
You can find the full guide to unmasking your saboteur and identifying your mental superpowers in this video on mental strength.
So instead of endlessly scrolling through Instagram or spending far too long getting annoyed with other people, why not explore the far more fascinating stories playing out in your own mind, the ones you tell yourself? Enjoy discovering them!